Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
List Of Awesome Quotes And Taglines For Orkut, facebook, Myspace, Bigadda, Etc.
- "From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." -- Dr. Seuss
- "The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days." -- New Testament
Translation: Laugh and you'll live longer... - There are two ways to live: one is as if nothing is a miracle; the other as if everything is. -- Albert Einstein
- "In order to deviate successfully, one has to have at least a passing acquaintance with whatever norm one expects to deviate from." -- Frank Zappa, from The Real Frank Zappa Book
- "Claudia, you're the only woman who's accepted me for the man I can't help being..." -- Paul, on Spin City, proposing to Claudia
- "For a change, lady luck seemed to be smiling on me. Then again, maybe the fickle wench was just lulling me into a false sense of security while she reached for a rock." -- The Icarus Hunt, by Timothy Zahn
- "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey
- "He (the husband) was trying to help... (with the kids), but... well, you know..." -- Christina Krol
- "You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty." -- Henrik Ibsen
- "For those of you who like to lie awake nights and worry about things ponder this: the United States Navy will be building an aircraft carrier that will run its communications systems, aircraft launch, and weapons systems using Microsoft Windows-based operating systems." -- TNPCN
- "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, play solitaire, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -- Robert Heinlein (slightly edited)
- "I know that if I just beat my head against the wall long enough, an idea will infallibly result, but there is always the nameless terror that maybe this time the Muse is not merely hitchhiking through Georgia but has been kidnapped, murdered and tumbled into a ditch. Or maybe she's mad at me." -- David Lance Goines, from Goines Posters
- Theory vs practice: "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is." -- Yogi Berra
- "It's important that people should know what you stand for. It's equally important that they know what you won't stand for." -- Mary H. Waldrip
- I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate. -- Lt. Cmdr. Susan Ivanova ("Points of Departure", Babylon 5)
- In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said: "Let there be light!" And there was still nothing, but you could see it. -- Unknown
- From a distance, it is impossible to tell if an administrator associated with your project is sitting on his hands or covering his butt. -- Unknown
- Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken
- The scientist does not study nature because it is useful; he studies it because he delights in it, and he delights in it because it is beautiful. If nature were not beautiful, it would not be worth knowing, and if nature were not worth knowing, life would not be worth living. -- Jules Henri Poincaré
- The issue is not whether you are paranoid. Look around you Lenny. The issue is whether you are paranoid enough. -- Strange Days
- Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound). - A life with neither misery nor pleasure is an empty, neutral existance... to actively seek nothingness is worse than defeat... how can you admire a human who consciously embraces the bland, the mediocre, and the safe rather than risk the suffering that disappointments can bring? -- Tom Robbins
- Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. -- Bob Ettinger
- God is like, so cool. Think of the coolest person in your life. He made that person. And he's cooler than that. -- Justine Bateman
- The White House has always attracted the mentally ill.
-- Vincent Charles, Secret Service Agent
(explaining why security was heightened around the White House) - I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -- Lily Tomlin
- "The purpose of the experiment was to identify those who objected to it taking place" -- Vladimir Nabakov, the novelist
- "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." --Groucho Marx
- "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips
- Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
- "At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly contradictory attitudes - an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the field on track." -- Carl Sagan
- "In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
- "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
- "If I had not been a monk, I would have become an engineer." -- The Dalai Lama
- "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity." -- Bill Vaughan
- "Never interrupt someone doing something you said couldn't be done." -- Amelia Earhart
- I blinked at her. "Uh, I find I'm astonished again. How is this place run? Is it an anarchy?" Hazel shrugged. Justin Foote looked thoughtful. "No I wouldn't say so. It is not that well organized." -- Robert A. Heinlein: The Cat Who Walks Through Walls
- Mowery's Observation: "It's hard to make things foolproof because fools are so darn ingenious." -- Dave Mowery
- A foolish man speaks before he thinks, a wise man thinks before he speaks, but a godly man lets his life speak for him. -- author unknown
- "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." -- Forrest Gump
The Wisdom and Weirdness of Douglas Adams
- "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
- "Don't try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you with my breakfast cereal every morning." - Zaphod BeebleBrox
- "Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was 'Oh no, not again.' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now." -- Douglas Adams
- For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
Various Tag Lines
- No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
- API (Poland): A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening."
- Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty.
- There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who need closure. -- Mark Schmidt
- Warning: Belief in strange ideas does not guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you.
- 'Have you tried re-installing?' is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp.
- If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
- I'll never forget what grandpa said right before he passed away: "Aaaaah! No! NO! Aaaaaiiiee! Get it offa me! Get it off!! Aieeeergh!"
- I'll never forget what grandpa said right before he passed away: "Let's see here... Red on yellow... OK, this one's a King snake, see?"
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling in terror like his passengers.
- Intuition (n): an uncanny sixth sense which tells people that they are right, whether they are or not.
- It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
- Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that people aren't out to get you.
- Just because you're you doesn't mean I'm not.
- Motto of the Bomb Squad: If you see us running, you'd better catch up.
- Politicians, like diapers, should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
- Heisenberg may have been here.
- Error - Keyboard not found.. Press Enter to Continue
- Maturity is for those too young to know better
- If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate
- From the perspective of quantum theory, you don't look at light, it looks at you... probably.
- PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Complicated Internet Acronyms
- Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
- Last night I blasted a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts.
- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- Perl: the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
- ...so when the project started we all drew lots to see who would be made the scapegoat if it fails...
- iMac: never trust a product which is hyped on the basis of its packaging...
- Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be rebooted for the changes to take effect.
- Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather restraints...
- Ahh, arrogance and stupidity all in one package. How very efficient! -- Babylon 5
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- All generalizations are false.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
- Warning! Humor may be hazardous to your depression!
- I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
- Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
- Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three: one to hold the giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with the brightly-coloured machine tools.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
- Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
- Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
- Insanity is my only means of relaxation
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness
- What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
- Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
- Sign on Interstate 10, Near Phoenix, "AZ State Prison Ahead: Do Not Stop for Hitchhikers"
- life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
- Profanity: the universal programming language.
- Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
- The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152
- If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
- God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
- Programming is an art form that fights back.
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
- You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Elvis is dead and I'm not feeling too good myself.
- NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine
- Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.
- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- I'm not different, I'm statistically challenged
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
- Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
- Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
- No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
- Repeat after me, "we are all individuals..."
- Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
- Live your life so that when you die, the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.
- Life is short, make fun of it.
- If you can't beat 'em, arrange to have 'em beaten.
- The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. If it's you against the world, bet on the world.
- If there's one thing we learn from history, it's that we don't learn from history.
- There is no mechanical or electronic problem so difficult that it can not be solved by brute force and ignorance.
- You do not have to believe in miracles to depend upon them.
- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail. But a true friend will be sitting in jail with you saying, "Man! that was fun!"
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- Welcome to the Brave New World. Hope everyone brought an antacid?
Laws, Rules and Theorems Explaining the Working of the Universe
- Stapp's Ironical Paradox, AKA Stapp's Law: the universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle.
- Treiman's Theorem: Impossible things don't usually happen.
- O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
- Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
- Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
- Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
- Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
- Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
- Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
- Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
- Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
- Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
- Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
- Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
- Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
- Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money. - Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
- Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. - Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no positive effect on your take-home pay.
- Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
- First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
- Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
- Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
- Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway. - The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
- Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. - Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
- Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
- Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
- Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
- Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
- If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
- If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
- If there is any doubt, make it sound convincing. Theories that are not well founded must be particularly well propounded.
- Inanimate objects are inherently spiteful.
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Awesome Computer Taglines and Quotes for Orkut, Facebook, etc.
"!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW" "#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare." "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?" "E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it." "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI? "Today's subliminal thought is:" "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' 'Profanity: the universal programming language' ..... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe ...now touch these wires to your tongue! .signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn] 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. :-) :-> ;-) :) "Smilies everyone, Smilies" Mr.Rourke <-------- The information went data way --------> A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. A computer's attention span is only as long as its extension cord. A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them. A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. - Laura Creighton A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant. A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom. A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. - Johnson A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct? A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium? A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer. A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. APL is a write-only language. - Roy Keir ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Brook Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it. After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. All computers run at the same speed...with the power off. All new: The software is not compatible with previous versions. All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. Another megabytes the dust. Any given program will expand to fill available memory. Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson Any program that runs right is obsolete. Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim. Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable. Avoid temporary variables and strange women. Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran). Avoid unnecessary branches. BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding! Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic? Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure? Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner. Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program. Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein Brain fried; core dumped. Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try. Breakthrough: It nearly booted on the first try. Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! CCCP:> format CCCP: /u CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! Choose variable names that will not be confused. Close your eyes and press escape three times. Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying. Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS Computer programmers do it byte by byte. Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. Computers are only human. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do. Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain. DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere. Death is a nonmaskable interrupt. Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought. Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget. Design: The activity of preparing for a design review. Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will. Disc space, the final frontier! Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Do you like me for my brain or my baud? Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?" Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm. Don't document the program; program the document. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't let the computer bugs bite! Don't stop at one bug. Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. EBCDIC: Erase, Back up, Chew Disk, Ignite Card E Pluribus UNIX. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can. Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated. Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue... Every bug you find is the last one. Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation. Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded. From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* Futuristic: It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer. Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer. God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER. God is real, unless declared integer. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. Hackers have kernel knowledge. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... Honey, I Formatted the Kid! Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N) How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file... How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. How do I set my laser printer on stun? How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down. I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I am the computer your mother warned you about. I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. I just found the last bug. I modem, but they grew back. I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. I smell a wumpus. I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing I used to have a life, then I got v32bis! I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day. I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes. IBM: I Blame Mathematics IBM: I Breaks Monthly IBM: I Bring Madness IBM: I Broke Mine IBM: I Built Mine IBM: I bring manuals IBM: I'd Be Misinforming IBM: I'd Buy Macintosh IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh IBM: I'm Being Manipulated IBM: I'm Beyond Mistakes IBM: I'm Buying Macintosh IBM: I've Become Magnanimous IBM: I've Been Mangled IBM: I've Been Mauled IBM: I've Been Mesmerized IBM: I've Been Misled IBM: Ici Beaucoup Merde IBM: Iconoclastic Bilateral Monopoly IBM: Icons Bygones My Mom's IBM: Idealistically Backwards Microcomputers IBM: Ideas Bring Money IBM: Idiots Became Managers IBM: Idiots Being Mental IBM: Idiots Built Me IBM: Idle Brain Malfunction IBM: Ifs Buts Maybys IBM: Ill'manners Being Mandatory IBM: Ill-mannered Besotten Macrocasm IBM: Illustrious Bankruptcy Malenfactor IBM: Illustrious Busy Mice IBM: Imbecile Bad Micros IBM: Imensa Bola De Manteca IBM: Imitable Boring Microcomputers IBM: Immeasurable Bigheaded Malapert IBM: Immovable Brash Monolith IBM: Impeccably Blue-dressed Managers IBM: Imperial Bellicose Marauder IBM: Imperialist by Marketing IBM: Impersonal Bellicose Magnate IBM: Impious Bacchnalain Metropolis IBM: In Business (for) Money IBM: Inadequates Becoming Millionaires IBM: Inane Brutish Merchandising IBM: Incompatible Blue Machines IBM: Inconsistent Business machines IBM: Incontinent Bandolerisimo Moloch IBM: Increasingly Bad Manufacturing IBM: Increasingly Banal Movement IBM: Incredible Bowel Movement IBM: Incredibly Bad Merchandising IBM: Incredibly Ballsey Marketeers IBM: Incredibly Belligerent Merketing IBM: Incredibly Big Manufacturer IBM: Incredibly Big Monster IBM: Incredibly Bloody Minded IBM: Incredibly Boastful Mercenary IBM: Incredibly Boring Manuals IBM: Incredibly Broad Monolopy IBM: Incredibly Bullying Menace IBM: Indecision Breeds Mistakes IBM: Indecorous Big-named Medusoid IBM: Indigestion Bothers Me IBM: Industry Bowel Movement IBM: Industry's Biggest Mistake IBM: Industry's Bulging Monolith IBM: Inept Bulling Menace IBM: Inevitably Bad Marketing IBM: Inferior Before Macintosh IBM: Infernal Biggest Mistake IBM: Infernal Blue Machines IBM: Infinite Budget Merchandising IBM: Infinitely Baffling Motives IBM: Inherently Bad Manuals IBM: Innovation By Management IBM: Insanely Better Marketing IBM: Insensitivity Begets Mediocrity IBM: Inshallah Burak Ma'lesh IBM: Insidious Byzantine Mentality IBM: Insignificant Bothersome Machine IBM: Insipidly Bankrolling Millions IBM: Insolent Bickering Mal-der-mer IBM: Install Bigger Memory IBM: Insulting Boorish Manner IBM: Insultingly Boring Microcomputers IBM: Intensely Boring Machines IBM: Intentionally Braindamaged Machinery IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation IBM: Interesting But Mediocre IBM: Interesting But Mundane IBM: Intergalactic Bottomline Mistake IBM: Internals By Mediocrity IBM: International Bit Mangler IBM: International Bowel Movement IBM: Intersmashable Byte manipulators IBM: Into Building Money IBM: Intriguingly Blue Motif IBM: Invented By Maladroits IBM: Invented By Marketing IBM: Invented By Murphy IBM: Irresponsibility Behaved Multinational IBM: It Broke Be IBM: It's Become Monolithic IBM: It's Been Malfunctioning IBM: It's Better 'morrow IBM: It's Better Manually IBM: It's Beyond Monolithic IBM: It's Broke Ma'am IBM: It's Bugging Me IBM: It's Bullshit Mommery IBM: Itty Bitty Machines IBM: Itty Bitty Mentality IBM: Itty Bitty Mouse IBM: Itty Bity Maharishi If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports. If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan If a program is useful, it must be changed. If a program is useless, it must be documented. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it. If only women came with pull-down menus and online help. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery. In /dev/null no one can hear you scream In God we trust; all else we walk through. In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes, 1949 It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your child processes are? It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks. It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Know Thy User. LISP: To call a spade a thpade. Last one out, turn off the computer! Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style Life would be much easier if I had the source code. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday. Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught. MC Hammer, n. Device used to ensure firm seating of MicroChannel boards MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed. Machine independent code isn't. Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine. Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix. Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Make input easy to proofread. Make it right before you make it faster. Make sure all variables are initialized before use. Make sure comments and code agree. Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully. Managing programmers is like herding cats. Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out. May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive. Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson. Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors. Meets quality standards: It compiles without errors. Memory dump: Amnesia... Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. My computer NEVER cras My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI. My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore. Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine. Never write software that patronizes the user. New: It comes in different colors from the previous version. Nice computers don't go down. No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham No line available at 300 baud. No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system. No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates. Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... Objects are closer than they appear. Old mail has arrived. Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address. On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning On a clear disk you can seek forever... One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128K words. Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket. People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley Performance is easier to add than clarity. Performance proven: It works through beta test. Portable: Survives system reboot. Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode. Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer. Programmers do it bit by bit. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming is an art form that fights back. Programming is an unnatural act. Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer. Programs: What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it. Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat. Quality assurance: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally. RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe...... REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)? Random access is the optimum of the mass storages. Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE Real programs don't eat cache. Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm) Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round. Revolutionary: The disk drives go round and round. SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!" - Ken Thompson SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory. SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment. Satisfaction Guaranteed: We'll send you another copy if it fails. Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Software engineer: One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her. Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. - Ted Nelson Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential. Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -Datamazing, 4/1/78 State-of-the-art: What we could do with enough money. State-of-the-practice: What we can do with the money you have. Steinbach's Rule: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle Stock item: We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken Batcher Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing. Swap read error. You lose your mind. System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton Terminal glare: A look that kills... That does not compute. The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. The best packed information most resembles random noise. The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2 The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The less time planning, the more time programming. The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on. The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt. The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72) The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong. The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152 The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The whole is the sum of its parts, plus one or more bugs The wise person writes bomb-proof code. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion. There are always at least two ways to program the same thing. There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated. There must be more to life than compile-and-go. This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene. This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88. This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. This screen intentionally left blank. This system will self-destruct in five minutes. This time it will surely run. Those who can't write, write help files. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Thrashing is just virtual crashing. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To define recursion, we must first define recursion. To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents. UNIX is a computer virus with a user interface. UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody. USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue. Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches. Use free-form input where possible. User: A harmless drudge. Variables won't; constants aren't. - Osborn Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard? Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD! WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... Was that your wife I saw in that GIF? Watch out for off-by-one errors. What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities. What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer. When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes. When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the manual. When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?". Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? Years of development: We finally got one to work. You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. You can't make a program without broken egos. You depend too much on computers for information. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. You have junk mail. You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password. You might have mail. You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Your fault, core dumped. Your password is pitifully obvious. ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume. ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses] [Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. fortune: No such file or directory
10:19 AM 3
Latest Funny And Awesome TAglines / Quotes : Hacking TricksLatest
The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett
Everything ends this way in France - everything. Weddings, christenings, duels, funerals, swindlings, diplomatic affairs - everything is a pretext for a good dinner.
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper
"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
H.G. Wells
"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
Eddie Izzard
"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
Oscar Wilde
"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Brendan Francis
" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Partick Moore
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
W.C.Fields
"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."
Rudyard Kipling
"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
Sal Davino
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
George Burns
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Richard Jeni
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
Oliver Herford
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson
"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
George Bush
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde
"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."
Geoff Arbuthnot
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."
Woody Allen
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright
"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson a.k.a. Mr. Bean
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."
Woody Allen
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx
Albert Einstein
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett
Everything ends this way in France - everything. Weddings, christenings, duels, funerals, swindlings, diplomatic affairs - everything is a pretext for a good dinner.
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper
"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
H.G. Wells
"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
Eddie Izzard
"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
Oscar Wilde
"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Brendan Francis
" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Partick Moore
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
W.C.Fields
"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."
Rudyard Kipling
"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
Sal Davino
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
George Burns
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Richard Jeni
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
Oliver Herford
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson
"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
George Bush
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde
"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."
Geoff Arbuthnot
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."
Woody Allen
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright
"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson a.k.a. Mr. Bean
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."
Woody Allen
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx
10:23 AM 0
Latest And Funny Computer Quotes : Hacking Tricks
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Bill Gates is the pope of the personal computer industry. He decides who's going to build.
Computer science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams, but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computing is not about computers any more. It is about living.
Data is not information, information is not knowledge, knowledge is not understanding, understanding is not wisdom.
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
I think it's fair to say that personal computers have become the most empowering tool we've ever created. They're tools of communication, they're tools of creativity, and they can be shaped by their user.
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
People think computers will keep them from making mistakes. They're wrong. With computers you make mistakes faster.
Supercomputers will achieve one human brain capacity by 2010, and personal computers will do so by about 2020.
The computer is a moron.
The digital revolution is far more significant than the invention of writing or even of printing.
The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do. users?
The Internet is not just one thing, it's a collection of things - of numerous communications networks that all speak the same digital language.
The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.
Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
What do we want our kids to do? Sweep up around Japanese computers?
Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?
Bill Gates is the pope of the personal computer industry. He decides who's going to build.
Computer science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams, but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computing is not about computers any more. It is about living.
Data is not information, information is not knowledge, knowledge is not understanding, understanding is not wisdom.
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
I think it's fair to say that personal computers have become the most empowering tool we've ever created. They're tools of communication, they're tools of creativity, and they can be shaped by their user.
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
People think computers will keep them from making mistakes. They're wrong. With computers you make mistakes faster.
Supercomputers will achieve one human brain capacity by 2010, and personal computers will do so by about 2020.
The computer is a moron.
The digital revolution is far more significant than the invention of writing or even of printing.
The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do. users?
The Internet is not just one thing, it's a collection of things - of numerous communications networks that all speak the same digital language.
The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.
Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
What do we want our kids to do? Sweep up around Japanese computers?
Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?
10:19 AM 0
Hacking Qoutes and taglines
Here i m giving some of the best Hacking qoutes..Hopes u guys are gonna enjoy them all... "Do you program in Assembly?" she asked. "NOP," he said.
#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))
"INSERT DISK THREE"? But I can only get two in the drive!
"Intel Inside" is a Government Warning requied by Law.
"Intel Inside": The world’s most widely used warning label.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation…
A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.
A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working for thirty years straight.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren’t broken.
A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors suspicions to the contrary.
A friend in power is a friend lost.
A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it’s like to get wet.
A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.
A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the greatest damage.
A narrow mind has a broad tongue.
Seen on a California license plate on a VW Beetle: "FEATURE"…
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly knowledge.
A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.
According to my calculations, this problem doesn’t exist.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
All computers wait at the same speed.
An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.
An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.
Artificial intelligence? No thank you, I don’t need crutches.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats natural stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
ASCII and ye shall receive.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Back up my hard disk? I can’t find the reverse switch!
BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don’t RETURN.
Because we are returning a copy for postfix ++ expressions, statements such as (c++)++; won’t work as expected.
Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable.
Belief is no substitute for arithmetic.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.
Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization.
Building up arms is not a substitute for diplomacy.
C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.
C(++) is a write‐only, high‐level assembler language.
C++ would make a decent teaching language if we could teach the ++ part without the C part.
C++: Hard to learn and built to stay that way.
Cannot delete tmp150‐‐‐3.tmp: There is not enough free disk space. Delete one or more files to free disk space, and then try again.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Chance is the pseudonym God uses when He’d rather not sign His own name.
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.
Computer nm.: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more.
Computers do not solve problems, they execute solutions.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.
Confucius say: He who play in root, eventually kill tree.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don’t use your thumbs.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Data expands to fill the space available for storage.
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename".
Double your drive space—delete Windows!
E‐mail—When it absolutely, positively has to get lost at the speed of light.
English, the Microsoft of languages…
Enter any 11‐digit prime number to continue…
Epigram: Ada is the 400‐pound gorilla of programming languages.
Error, no keyboard—press F1 to continue.
ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS? [Y/N]
Ever notice how fast Windows runs?—Neither do I.
Fifty years of programming language research, and we end up with C++???
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Fixing UNIX is easier than living with NT.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
FORTRAN was the language of choice for the same reason that three‐legged races are popular.
God is real, unless declared integer.
Going from programming in Pascal to programming in C, is like learning to write in Morse code.
Hardware nm.: the part of the computer that you can kick.
hAS aNYONE sEEN MY cAPSLOCK kEY?
He who laughs last probably made a back‐up.
Heard of the new version of Windows from MS? It is called CEMENT—CE+ME+NT
Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
I can’t use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.
I dropped my computer on my foot! That Megahurtz!
I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: "Outlook not so good". I said: "Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway."
I have NOT lost my mind—I have it backed up on tape somewhere.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I knew a mathematician who said: "I do not know as much as God. But I know as much as God knew at my age".
I will not be a lemming and follow the crowd over the cliff and into the C.
I wonder what Jesus would do if He had to reload Windows 95 for the eighth time today?
I’m in the computer business, I make Out‐Of‐Order signs.
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N−1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed… …If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
If at first you don’t succeed, work for Microsoft.
If brute force doesn’t solve your problems, then you aren’t using enough.
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
If it wasn’t for C, we’d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it’s not on fire, it’s a software problem.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.
If you torture the data enough, it will confess.
If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan.
In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?
In C++ it’s harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg.
In My Egotistical Opinion, most people’s C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.
Intel: We put the "um…" in Pentium.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi‐Tasking?
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It’s 5.50 a.m…. Do you know where your stack pointer is?
It’s a little‐known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
It’s been said that Bill Gates named his company after his dick…
Java is, in many ways, C++−−.
Kevorkian Virus: helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Kids today have so many advantages I never had. There’s no telling what I could’ve accomplished with a home computer and a handgun.
Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Mac users swear by their Mac, PC users swear at their PC.
Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.
Maniac n. An early computer built by nuts.
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
Memory is like an orgasm. It’s a lot better if you don’t have to fake it.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. "No" is the answer.
More men are sheep in wolves’ clothing than the other way around.
MS‐DOS isn’t dead, it just smells that way.
Multitasking adj.: 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
My computer NEVER loc.
My computer’s sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Network: Any thing reticulated or decussated, at equal distances, with interstices between the intersections.
Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a pickup full of magnetic tapes.
NO, You cannot dial 911, I’m downloading my mail!!!
Of course, the best way to get accurate information on Usenet is to post something wrong and wait for corrections.
Oh, boy, virtual memory! Now I’m gonna make myself a really big RAMdisk!
Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Overall, OS/2’s problems fall into two categories: IBM and Microsoft.
Oxymoron: Computer security.
Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.
Pascal n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plonk excl.: The sound a newbie makes as he falls to the bottom of a kill file.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Programmer n.: A red‐eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.
Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’ll support it for the rest of your life.
RAM abr.: Rarely Adequate Memory.
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25
Real programmers don’t write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
Round numbers are always false.
See daddy? All the keys are in alphabetical order now.
Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Smith & Wesson—the original point and click interface.
Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist.
Software Independent: Won’t work with ANY software.
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics; i.e. it always increases.
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.
Standard are industry’s way of codifying obsolescence.
Supercomputer n.: what it sounded like before you bought it.
System Error: press F13 to continue…
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
The C Programming Language—A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The long double numeric variable type in C++ is insufficient to express the weight of your mom.
The mathematician has reached the highest rung on the ladder of human thought.
The more I C, the less I see.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.
The number of the beast—vi vi vi.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Rotate phone 90 degrees and try again.
The only people who have anything to fear from free software (such as GNAT) are those whose products are worth even less.
The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron.
The only truly secure computer is one buried in concrete, with the power turned off and the network cable cut.
The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.
The Pentium III: It’s Hitler Inside!
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.
The voice of God is government.
The way to win an atomic war is to make certain it never starts.
The world is coming to an end… SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
There are two ways to write error‐free programs; only the third one works.
There is nothing that a kick in the balls or a pressure on reset won’t solve.
Those who can’t write programs, write help files.
To adopt nuclear disarmament would be akin to behaving like a virgin in a brothel.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To err is human, but for a real disaster you need a computer.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls for an MBA.
To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
To go forward, you must backup.
Trying to outsmart a compiler defeats much of the purpose of using one.
Two languages implementing the same idea must, on pain of death, use different terms.
UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus.
UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully.
UNIX: It’s not just "User‐Unfriendly", it’s "Proactively User‐Hostile"!
Usenet is a Mobius strand of spaghetti.
VMS is a text‐only adventure game. If you win you can use UNIX.
Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn’t 3.5 inches and it ain’t floppy.
Wanted: Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We will never become a truly paper‐less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with WipeMe 1.0.
Welcome to the totally‐automated, fully computerized world of the twenty‐first century, where nothing can go wrong…go wrong…go wrong…
What do you mean by "RAMdisk is not an installation procedure"?
What does the Start button do—isn’t the computer already running?
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
When comes the revolution, things will be different—not better, just different.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
When the old dog barks, better look out the window.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem you encounter resembles a nail.
When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
Whenever you think you have a clever programming trick… forget it!
Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX.
Who is this "General Failure" and why is he reading my disk?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Why should I press the Start button to turn the computer off?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Win95 not found, [P]arty, [C]elebrate, [D]rink?
Windows isn’t a virus, viruses do something.
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
WinNT: All the headaches of UNIX, but in a pretty, windowed environment.
WinNT: supports Plug’n Play devices, just not Plug ’n Play…
Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder?
Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed,
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, ’cause I’m the meanest s.o.b. in the valley.
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn’t dim the lights when you turn it on.
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.
You know you’re a geek when… You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor. That just happened to me. It was scary.
You make my software turn to hardware!
You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.
You think you know when you learn, are more sure when you can write, even more when you can teach, but certain when you can program.
Your mom is so ugly she can’t turn on a computer.
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [OK]
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
perl ‐pe ’s/([\w.+‐])\@((?:[\w‐]+\.)+[\w‐]{2,})/$1+$2/g’ in.mbox >out.mbox
Perl is write‐only. I say this after maintaining and extending a large build system written in it.
#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))
"INSERT DISK THREE"? But I can only get two in the drive!
"Intel Inside" is a Government Warning requied by Law.
"Intel Inside": The world’s most widely used warning label.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation…
A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.
A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working for thirty years straight.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren’t broken.
A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors suspicions to the contrary.
A friend in power is a friend lost.
A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it’s like to get wet.
A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.
A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the greatest damage.
A narrow mind has a broad tongue.
Seen on a California license plate on a VW Beetle: "FEATURE"…
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly knowledge.
A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.
According to my calculations, this problem doesn’t exist.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
All computers wait at the same speed.
An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.
An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.
Artificial intelligence? No thank you, I don’t need crutches.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats natural stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
ASCII and ye shall receive.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Back up my hard disk? I can’t find the reverse switch!
BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don’t RETURN.
Because we are returning a copy for postfix ++ expressions, statements such as (c++)++; won’t work as expected.
Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable.
Belief is no substitute for arithmetic.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.
Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization.
Building up arms is not a substitute for diplomacy.
C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.
C(++) is a write‐only, high‐level assembler language.
C++ would make a decent teaching language if we could teach the ++ part without the C part.
C++: Hard to learn and built to stay that way.
Cannot delete tmp150‐‐‐3.tmp: There is not enough free disk space. Delete one or more files to free disk space, and then try again.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Chance is the pseudonym God uses when He’d rather not sign His own name.
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.
Computer nm.: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more.
Computers do not solve problems, they execute solutions.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.
Confucius say: He who play in root, eventually kill tree.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don’t use your thumbs.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Data expands to fill the space available for storage.
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename".
Double your drive space—delete Windows!
E‐mail—When it absolutely, positively has to get lost at the speed of light.
English, the Microsoft of languages…
Enter any 11‐digit prime number to continue…
Epigram: Ada is the 400‐pound gorilla of programming languages.
Error, no keyboard—press F1 to continue.
ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS? [Y/N]
Ever notice how fast Windows runs?—Neither do I.
Fifty years of programming language research, and we end up with C++???
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Fixing UNIX is easier than living with NT.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
FORTRAN was the language of choice for the same reason that three‐legged races are popular.
God is real, unless declared integer.
Going from programming in Pascal to programming in C, is like learning to write in Morse code.
Hardware nm.: the part of the computer that you can kick.
hAS aNYONE sEEN MY cAPSLOCK kEY?
He who laughs last probably made a back‐up.
Heard of the new version of Windows from MS? It is called CEMENT—CE+ME+NT
Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
I can’t use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.
I dropped my computer on my foot! That Megahurtz!
I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: "Outlook not so good". I said: "Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway."
I have NOT lost my mind—I have it backed up on tape somewhere.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I knew a mathematician who said: "I do not know as much as God. But I know as much as God knew at my age".
I will not be a lemming and follow the crowd over the cliff and into the C.
I wonder what Jesus would do if He had to reload Windows 95 for the eighth time today?
I’m in the computer business, I make Out‐Of‐Order signs.
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N−1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed… …If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
If at first you don’t succeed, work for Microsoft.
If brute force doesn’t solve your problems, then you aren’t using enough.
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
If it wasn’t for C, we’d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it’s not on fire, it’s a software problem.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.
If you torture the data enough, it will confess.
If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan.
In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?
In C++ it’s harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg.
In My Egotistical Opinion, most people’s C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.
Intel: We put the "um…" in Pentium.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi‐Tasking?
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It’s 5.50 a.m…. Do you know where your stack pointer is?
It’s a little‐known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
It’s been said that Bill Gates named his company after his dick…
Java is, in many ways, C++−−.
Kevorkian Virus: helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Kids today have so many advantages I never had. There’s no telling what I could’ve accomplished with a home computer and a handgun.
Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Mac users swear by their Mac, PC users swear at their PC.
Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.
Maniac n. An early computer built by nuts.
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
Memory is like an orgasm. It’s a lot better if you don’t have to fake it.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. "No" is the answer.
More men are sheep in wolves’ clothing than the other way around.
MS‐DOS isn’t dead, it just smells that way.
Multitasking adj.: 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
My computer NEVER loc.
My computer’s sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Network: Any thing reticulated or decussated, at equal distances, with interstices between the intersections.
Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a pickup full of magnetic tapes.
NO, You cannot dial 911, I’m downloading my mail!!!
Of course, the best way to get accurate information on Usenet is to post something wrong and wait for corrections.
Oh, boy, virtual memory! Now I’m gonna make myself a really big RAMdisk!
Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Overall, OS/2’s problems fall into two categories: IBM and Microsoft.
Oxymoron: Computer security.
Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.
Pascal n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plonk excl.: The sound a newbie makes as he falls to the bottom of a kill file.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Programmer n.: A red‐eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.
Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’ll support it for the rest of your life.
RAM abr.: Rarely Adequate Memory.
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25
Real programmers don’t write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
Round numbers are always false.
See daddy? All the keys are in alphabetical order now.
Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Smith & Wesson—the original point and click interface.
Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist.
Software Independent: Won’t work with ANY software.
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics; i.e. it always increases.
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.
Standard are industry’s way of codifying obsolescence.
Supercomputer n.: what it sounded like before you bought it.
System Error: press F13 to continue…
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
The C Programming Language—A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The long double numeric variable type in C++ is insufficient to express the weight of your mom.
The mathematician has reached the highest rung on the ladder of human thought.
The more I C, the less I see.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.
The number of the beast—vi vi vi.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Rotate phone 90 degrees and try again.
The only people who have anything to fear from free software (such as GNAT) are those whose products are worth even less.
The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron.
The only truly secure computer is one buried in concrete, with the power turned off and the network cable cut.
The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.
The Pentium III: It’s Hitler Inside!
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.
The voice of God is government.
The way to win an atomic war is to make certain it never starts.
The world is coming to an end… SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
There are two ways to write error‐free programs; only the third one works.
There is nothing that a kick in the balls or a pressure on reset won’t solve.
Those who can’t write programs, write help files.
To adopt nuclear disarmament would be akin to behaving like a virgin in a brothel.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To err is human, but for a real disaster you need a computer.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls for an MBA.
To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
To go forward, you must backup.
Trying to outsmart a compiler defeats much of the purpose of using one.
Two languages implementing the same idea must, on pain of death, use different terms.
UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus.
UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully.
UNIX: It’s not just "User‐Unfriendly", it’s "Proactively User‐Hostile"!
Usenet is a Mobius strand of spaghetti.
VMS is a text‐only adventure game. If you win you can use UNIX.
Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn’t 3.5 inches and it ain’t floppy.
Wanted: Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We will never become a truly paper‐less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with WipeMe 1.0.
Welcome to the totally‐automated, fully computerized world of the twenty‐first century, where nothing can go wrong…go wrong…go wrong…
What do you mean by "RAMdisk is not an installation procedure"?
What does the Start button do—isn’t the computer already running?
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
When comes the revolution, things will be different—not better, just different.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
When the old dog barks, better look out the window.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem you encounter resembles a nail.
When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
Whenever you think you have a clever programming trick… forget it!
Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX.
Who is this "General Failure" and why is he reading my disk?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Why should I press the Start button to turn the computer off?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Win95 not found, [P]arty, [C]elebrate, [D]rink?
Windows isn’t a virus, viruses do something.
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
WinNT: All the headaches of UNIX, but in a pretty, windowed environment.
WinNT: supports Plug’n Play devices, just not Plug ’n Play…
Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder?
Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed,
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, ’cause I’m the meanest s.o.b. in the valley.
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn’t dim the lights when you turn it on.
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.
You know you’re a geek when… You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor. That just happened to me. It was scary.
You make my software turn to hardware!
You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.
You think you know when you learn, are more sure when you can write, even more when you can teach, but certain when you can program.
Your mom is so ugly she can’t turn on a computer.
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [OK]
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
perl ‐pe ’s/([\w.+‐])\@((?:[\w‐]+\.)+[\w‐]{2,})/$1+$2/g’ in.mbox >out.mbox
Perl is write‐only. I say this after maintaining and extending a large build system written in it.
7:55 AM 0
Awesome Funny Taglines and quotes Free Orkut Stuff
* "Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
* "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?"
* 2 rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
* Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
* All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
* Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y)
* Borg-Cola: Not the choice of the next generation.
* Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.
* Borger King. Have it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
* Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
* California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
* Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
* Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
* "Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
* "Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "Will a 2X4 do, Captain?"
* "Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda.
* *tap* *tap* *tap* Is this thing on?
* A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.
* A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
* A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
* A closed mouth gathers no foot.
* A hangover: the wrath of grapes.
* A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
* A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
* A good pun is its own reword.
* A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
* A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.
* A self-adressed envelope would be addressed "Envelope".
* A)bort R)etry I)nfluence with large hammer?
* Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
* Actual TorStar headline, 3/6/94: "Man charged with murder after death"
* Actual newspaper headline: "TEENAGE PROSTITUTES SPREADING NATIONWIDE"
* Actual newspaper headline, 1/17/77: "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
* Actual newspaper headline, 8/14/80: "Food Basic to Student Diet"
* After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
* After all is said and done, usually more is said.
* Air is water with holes in it.
* Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
* Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
* All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
* All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
* Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
* Animals/people: you can pet 99% of animals and still get a G rating.
* Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
* Any student who changes the course of history is probably writing an exam.
* Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
* Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
* Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
* As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
* Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
* Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
* Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
* Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
* Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall
* Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. -- O'Neill
* Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
* Being psychotic is all it's cracked up to be.
* Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
* Bitchenaid: It's like, totally, the best dishwasher ever, dude!
* Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
* Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
* Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
* Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
* Bull behind a tapestry: you can't see the taurus for the frieze.
* Bulldozer: a student sleeping through a lecture.
* Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
* Buy one, get one free...does it have to be in that order?
* Cabinicreep: When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
* Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
* Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction.
* Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
* Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
* Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
* Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
* Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
* Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, in the dictionary.
* Click...click...click...damn, out of new taglines.
* Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
* Close your eyes and press escape three times.
* Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
* College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
* Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
* Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
* Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
* Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
* Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
* Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
* Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
* Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
* Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
* Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken
* Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
* dfghkjupih uiph12...ooops...sorry...fell asleep on the keyboard.
* Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
* Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
* Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
* Do steam rollers really roll steam?
* Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
* Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
* Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it.
* Don't laugh. It could happen.
* Don't judge a book by its mini-series.
* Don't use no double negatives, not never.
* Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
* Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
* Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
* Don't explain. Your friends know already and your enemies don't care.
* Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
* Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
* Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
* Down with categorical imperatives.
* Drunk Borg: Rsilience in floor tile. Wan'be similated?
* Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
* Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it.
* Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
* Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
* Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- last words of Groucho Marx
* Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- last words of Oscar Wilde
* Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
* Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
* Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
* Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
* Ever find yourself posting messages just to show off your taglines?
* Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
* Every pool you can swim in has been pissed in at least once.
* Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
* Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. -- Atwood
* Everything in moderation, including moderation.
* Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
* Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
* Expert: Avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
* Fact: 3 out of 5 people aren't the other 2.
* Familiarity breeds children.
* Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
* Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
* Fenderberg: Deposit on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
* Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
* Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
* For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
* For reply, send self-abused stomped antelope to: brea9430@mach1.wlu.ca
* Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
* Funny, these cookies don't taste anything like Girl Scouts.
* Gather round like cattle and ye shall be herd.
* Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
* Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance
* Genetics: proof that God gambles. Clinton: proof He lost.
* Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
* Gentlemen: it appears to be unanimous that we can not agree.
* Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
* Get your mind outta the gutter! And pick mine up while you're down there.
* Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
* Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine
* Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
* Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
* God gives burdens; also shoulders.
* God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
* God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
* GO HABS GO! And take the rest of the province with you.
* Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
* Good sopranos and tenors have resonance -- where others have brains.
* Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
* Great minds run in great circles.
* Gretzky hasn't scored near as often as that Japanese player, Hee Shu Tze.
* Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
* Happiness can't buy you money.
* Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
* hAS aNYONE sEEN mY cAPSLOCK kEY?
* Have you flogged your crew today?
* Have you seen Quasimodo? I've a hunch he's back.
* Have an adequate day.
* Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
* Having children will turn you into your parents.
* He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
* He who dies with the most taglines, wins!
* He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
* He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
* He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk.
* He is no lawyer who cannot take seventeen sides.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
* Heating with wood, you get warm twice: Once chopping it, and once stacking it.
* Heisenberg might have been here.
* HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS
* Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?
* Hindsight is usually better...depending on the hind you've sighted.
* History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
* Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
* Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray Bandy
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
* Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
* How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
* How come wrong numbers are never busy?
* How many priests are needed in Boston Mass?
* How many weeks are there in a light year?
* How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
* How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
* I always cry during sex. I think it's the Mace.
* I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
* I married Miss Right. I didn't know her first name was Always.
* I know I have a purpose because I always seem to need deodorant.
* I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.
* I am Sajak of Borg. R__I_T_NC_ I_ FU_IL_
* I am NOT a pornographer. I don't even own a pornograph.
* I disclaim my disclaimer!
* I believe in free will. My religion says I have no choice.
* I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. (the Wizard of Oz)
* I distinctly remember forgetting that.
* I will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
* I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
* I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat!
* I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. -- Groucho Marx
* I am Clinton of Borg. Hillary says resistance is futile!
* I got a life! I ordered it through my computer.
* I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
* I dreamed I met God. He sneezed, and I didn't know what to say to Him.
* I have not seen as far as others because giants were standing on my shoulders.
* I have read and understood the above. X________________________
* I know everything. I just can't remember it all at once.
* I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Marx
* I locked my coathanger in the car. Good thing I had a key.
* I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
* I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.
* I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
* I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
* I repeatedly and sincerely asked that I be born again. My mother refused.
* I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
* I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.
* I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
* I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!
* I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
* I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.
* I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. -- Nash
* I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -- Cerebus
* I dreamed I was a wheel rim. I woke up still tired.
* I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals...I just hate PLANTS!
* I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
* I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
* I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
* I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE!
* I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
* I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Albran
* I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
* I will always love the false image I had of you.
* I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.
* I seem to be a verb. -- Buckminster Fuller
* I hate laundry month.
* I doubt, therefore I might be.
* I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... OOooooo! Donuts!
* I used to be sane. I got better.
* I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* I was glad to be able to answer promptly. I said I didn't know. --Mark Twain
* I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad. -- Allen
* I'm an atheist! I swear to God I am!
* I'll have: two drugged brains over easy with bacon and toast.
* I'll race you to China. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO!
* I'll procrastinate...tomorrow.
* I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
* I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
* If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
* If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
* If You Pass This Point You Will Most Certainly Die. -- sign on birth canal
* If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
* If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
* If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
* If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
* If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz.
* If you lay every snoring student end-to-end, they'd be more comfortable.
* If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
* If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
* If either religion or science were infallible, it would incorporate the other.
* If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
* If I had finished this sentence. -- Hofstadter
* If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
* If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
* If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
* If all the world's a stage, who sprung the trap door on me?
* If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
* If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
* If in doubt, mumble.
* If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If laws were outlawed, only outlaws would be lawyers.
* If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
* If you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
* If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
* If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
* If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
* If morons could fly, the sky would be pitch black.
* If there is light at the end of the tunnel... ORDER MORE TUNNEL.
* If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
* If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
* If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
* If nothing beats getting drunk, given a choice, I'd take the nothing.
* Illegitimus non Carborundem -- "Don't let the bastards grind you down".
* Illiterate? Write for free help.
* In English, every word can be verbed.
* In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
* In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
* In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
* Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
* Is this true or only clever? -- Augustine Birrell
* Is there life before death?
* Is a mirage real? Well, it's a real mirage. -- Edward Abbey
* It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -- Albert Einstein
* It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
* It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
* It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
* It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
* It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
* It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
* It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
* It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
* It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
* It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
* It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew Mathis
* It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose.
* It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
* It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
* Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew Arnold
* Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it.
* Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
* Justice: A decision in your favor.
* Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
* Keep Canada beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
* Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
* Kilroy occupied these spatial coordinates.
* Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
* Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
* Krogt: The metallic silver coating found on scratch-and-win tickets.
* Lactomangulation: Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
* Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
* Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
* Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
* Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
* Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
* Let's hope God grades on a curve.
* Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
* Life is like an analogy.
* Life is too confusing for novices. We should let the experts take care of it.
* Living your life is so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
* Living on Earth includes one annual free trip around the Sun.
* Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. --J. Handey
* Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.
* Look where you dare not look, and you'll find ME staring back at you.
* Lorena to Tonya: here, smack Nancy with *this*...
* Love means nothing to a tennis player.
* Love thy neighbor: Tune thy piano.
* Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.
* Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
* Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
* Love: the word that paints a thousand pictures.
* Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
* Madness takes its toll. Please deposit exact change.
* Maggit: A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
* Magnocartic: An automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping carts.
* Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
* Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
* Make money fast: don't give it any food.
* Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
* Make things as simple as possible, but not simpler. --Einstein
* Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
* Mankind... infests the whole habitable Earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce
* Many are cold, but few are frozen.
* Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
* May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
* Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
* Michelangelo would have made better time with a roller.
* Millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
* Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.
* Mold has spores. People have pores. It is one way to tell us apart.
* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
* Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.
* Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
* Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
* Mowmuffins: Dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawnmowers.
* Mr. Worf! Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge?
* Mr. Bullfrog sez: Time is fun when you're having flies.
* MRducks. MRnot! MRso! Cedar wings? ...Whale oil beef hooked, MRducks!
* Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
* Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
* My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
* My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
* My opinions are not those of my ex-employer.
* My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
* My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries and counting.
* My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
* My computer NEVER cras
* My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
* My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
* My other tagline is a footnote.
* Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
* Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* Never enough time, unless you're serving it.
* Never call a man a fool. Instead, borrow from him.
* Never eat prunes when you're famished.
* Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
* Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf.
* Never get into a farting contest with a skunk.
* Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
* Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
* Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
* Nine out of ten people think they are above average. The rest are in therapy.
* No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
* No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.
* Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
* Nobody home but the lights, and they're out too.
* Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
* Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded. (I've actually HEARD this!)
* Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets.
* Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
* Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
* Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
* Nudist Camp sign: "Sorry, Clothed for Winter"
* Nugloo: Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead.
* On the other hand... you have different fingers.
* One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
* One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
* Our parents were never our age.
* Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash
* Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
* Paint the backs of *all* the boats. Leave no stern untoned.
* Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -- Corry
* Parallel lines DO meet, but only incognito.
* Paranoia? Hell, no. Heightened awareness is more like it.
* Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted.
* People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
* People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
* People usually get what's coming to them... unless it was mailed.
* People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties.
* Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
* Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
* Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
* Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
* Question Authority... and the Authorities will question you!
* Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds deep)
* Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
* Reality is for those too stupid to program holodecks.
* Rumper sticker on a horse: "Get off my tail, because shit happens."
* Saddam Hussein is the father of the mother of all cliches.
* Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back.-- sign on septic tank truck
* Save the Rainforest! Eat a vegetarian!
* Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
* Sign seen on door: C I T Y P L A N N ING
* Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt.
* Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher Knebel
* Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.
* Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
* Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
* Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
* Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
* Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund Freud
* Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
* Spam Lite: with meat products like these, who needs taglines?
* Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
* Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
* That was Zen; this is Tao.
* The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
* The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
* The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
* The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
* The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
* The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
* The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
* The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
* The lion and the calf shall lie down together. The calf won't sleep.
* The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography.
* The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg borg borg!
* The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
* The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
* The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
* The cynic says: the pessimist is a realist who isn't afraid to admit it.
* The chief cause of problems is solutions.
* The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
* The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
* The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
* The death rate on Earth is: .... (computing) .... One per person.
* The glass is half full--and what's in it has gone rancid.
* The early worm deserves the bird.
* The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
* The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
* The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.
* The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth. -- Diana Rigg
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
* There is no idea so stupid that some professor doesn't believe in it.
* There is a vas deferens between men and women.
* There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
* There is a 70% probability of tomorrow. (actual weatherman quote. 1988)
* There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
* There is no bottom to worse. -- Cohen
* There's not enough sax and violins on television.
* These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions.
* They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
* They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...-Sedgwick's last words
* Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. --Gerald Ford.
* This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill
* This is news. This is your brain on news. Any questions?
* This is my last sig. I gave up smoking.
* This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
* This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
* This is Borg. is futile is inevitable.
* This sentence no verb.
* This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.
* This letter fills a much-needed gap.
* This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
* This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
* Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
* Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas.
* Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
* To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
* To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
* To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
* To err is human. To blame someone for your errors is even more human.
* To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
* To do it: Hire someone, or forbid your kids.
* To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
* Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
* Today's greatest labour-saving device is...tomorrow!
* Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -- Rilla May
* TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
* Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
* Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
* U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.
* Unable to open LEVI.ZIP. Continue running TAKELEAK.EXE? (Y/N)
* Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.
* Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, the opposite applies.
* Under-Achievers Anonymous has an 11-step program.
* Verbing weirds language. --Calvin
* Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
* Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
* Volvo, Video, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)
* Vote anarchist.
* We aren't sure how clouds form. But they know, that is what counts.
* We totally deny the allegations. We are trying to identify the allegators.
* We've taken his life and secretly replaced it with Foldgers Crystals.
* We have them just where they want us. -- James Kirk
* We will cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
* We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
* We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
* What is orange and goes "click, click"? A ball point carrot.
* What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
* What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Key
* What if there were no hypothetical situations? --Andrew Kohlsmith
* When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
* When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
* When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
* When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
* When is summer in Canada? Last year it was a Tuesday in July.
* When in doubt, do as doubters do.
* When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
* When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
* When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
* When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose.
* Where there is a will, there is an Inheritance Tax.
* While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
* Why doesn't life come with subtitles?
* Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses? -- Liddy
* Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily Tomlin
* Why did the tachyon cross the road? Because it was on the other side.
* Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
* Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it's said?
* Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
* Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!
* Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
* Wise is the squirrel. For he says: "You are a nut!"
* Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
* Work is the curse of the drinking class.
* Working in a McDonald's kitchen: one ing thing after another...
* Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
* Yawning is an orgasm for your face. -- Gunvar Ingeborg
* Yes, I get funny looks. I like funny looks.
* Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").
* You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
* You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
* You are warm and giving toward others. What are you after?
* You can't hear it, but the universe is laughing at you behind your back.
* You are here. But you are not all there.
* You are not paranoid if they're really after you...
* You are wrong when right and right when left, if you're driving in the US.
* You simply *must* stop taking other people's advice.
* You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
* Your lucky number is 364958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
* Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make sense.
* Your fault -- core dumped.
* Your password is pitifully obvious.
* ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
* "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?"
* 2 rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
* Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
* All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
* Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y)
* Borg-Cola: Not the choice of the next generation.
* Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.
* Borger King. Have it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
* Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
* California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
* Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
* Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
* "Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
* "Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "Will a 2X4 do, Captain?"
* "Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda.
* *tap* *tap* *tap* Is this thing on?
* A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.
* A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
* A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
* A closed mouth gathers no foot.
* A hangover: the wrath of grapes.
* A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
* A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
* A good pun is its own reword.
* A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
* A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.
* A self-adressed envelope would be addressed "Envelope".
* A)bort R)etry I)nfluence with large hammer?
* Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
* Actual TorStar headline, 3/6/94: "Man charged with murder after death"
* Actual newspaper headline: "TEENAGE PROSTITUTES SPREADING NATIONWIDE"
* Actual newspaper headline, 1/17/77: "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
* Actual newspaper headline, 8/14/80: "Food Basic to Student Diet"
* After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
* After all is said and done, usually more is said.
* Air is water with holes in it.
* Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
* Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
* All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
* All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
* Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
* Animals/people: you can pet 99% of animals and still get a G rating.
* Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
* Any student who changes the course of history is probably writing an exam.
* Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
* Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
* Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
* As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
* Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
* Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
* Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
* Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
* Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall
* Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. -- O'Neill
* Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
* Being psychotic is all it's cracked up to be.
* Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
* Bitchenaid: It's like, totally, the best dishwasher ever, dude!
* Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
* Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
* Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
* Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
* Bull behind a tapestry: you can't see the taurus for the frieze.
* Bulldozer: a student sleeping through a lecture.
* Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
* Buy one, get one free...does it have to be in that order?
* Cabinicreep: When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
* Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
* Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction.
* Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
* Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
* Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
* Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
* Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
* Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, in the dictionary.
* Click...click...click...damn, out of new taglines.
* Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
* Close your eyes and press escape three times.
* Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
* College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
* Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
* Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
* Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
* Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
* Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
* Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
* Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
* Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
* Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
* Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken
* Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
* dfghkjupih uiph12...ooops...sorry...fell asleep on the keyboard.
* Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
* Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
* Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
* Do steam rollers really roll steam?
* Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
* Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
* Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it.
* Don't laugh. It could happen.
* Don't judge a book by its mini-series.
* Don't use no double negatives, not never.
* Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
* Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
* Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
* Don't explain. Your friends know already and your enemies don't care.
* Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
* Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
* Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
* Down with categorical imperatives.
* Drunk Borg: Rsilience in floor tile. Wan'be similated?
* Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
* Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it.
* Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
* Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
* Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- last words of Groucho Marx
* Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- last words of Oscar Wilde
* Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
* Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
* Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
* Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
* Ever find yourself posting messages just to show off your taglines?
* Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
* Every pool you can swim in has been pissed in at least once.
* Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
* Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. -- Atwood
* Everything in moderation, including moderation.
* Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
* Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
* Expert: Avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
* Fact: 3 out of 5 people aren't the other 2.
* Familiarity breeds children.
* Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
* Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
* Fenderberg: Deposit on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
* Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
* Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
* For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
* For reply, send self-abused stomped antelope to: brea9430@mach1.wlu.ca
* Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
* Funny, these cookies don't taste anything like Girl Scouts.
* Gather round like cattle and ye shall be herd.
* Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
* Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance
* Genetics: proof that God gambles. Clinton: proof He lost.
* Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
* Gentlemen: it appears to be unanimous that we can not agree.
* Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
* Get your mind outta the gutter! And pick mine up while you're down there.
* Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
* Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine
* Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
* Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
* God gives burdens; also shoulders.
* God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
* God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
* GO HABS GO! And take the rest of the province with you.
* Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
* Good sopranos and tenors have resonance -- where others have brains.
* Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
* Great minds run in great circles.
* Gretzky hasn't scored near as often as that Japanese player, Hee Shu Tze.
* Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
* Happiness can't buy you money.
* Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
* hAS aNYONE sEEN mY cAPSLOCK kEY?
* Have you flogged your crew today?
* Have you seen Quasimodo? I've a hunch he's back.
* Have an adequate day.
* Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
* Having children will turn you into your parents.
* He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
* He who dies with the most taglines, wins!
* He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
* He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
* He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk.
* He is no lawyer who cannot take seventeen sides.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
* Heating with wood, you get warm twice: Once chopping it, and once stacking it.
* Heisenberg might have been here.
* HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS
* Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?
* Hindsight is usually better...depending on the hind you've sighted.
* History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
* Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
* Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray Bandy
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
* Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
* How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
* How come wrong numbers are never busy?
* How many priests are needed in Boston Mass?
* How many weeks are there in a light year?
* How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
* How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
* I always cry during sex. I think it's the Mace.
* I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
* I married Miss Right. I didn't know her first name was Always.
* I know I have a purpose because I always seem to need deodorant.
* I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.
* I am Sajak of Borg. R__I_T_NC_ I_ FU_IL_
* I am NOT a pornographer. I don't even own a pornograph.
* I disclaim my disclaimer!
* I believe in free will. My religion says I have no choice.
* I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. (the Wizard of Oz)
* I distinctly remember forgetting that.
* I will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
* I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
* I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat!
* I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. -- Groucho Marx
* I am Clinton of Borg. Hillary says resistance is futile!
* I got a life! I ordered it through my computer.
* I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
* I dreamed I met God. He sneezed, and I didn't know what to say to Him.
* I have not seen as far as others because giants were standing on my shoulders.
* I have read and understood the above. X________________________
* I know everything. I just can't remember it all at once.
* I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Marx
* I locked my coathanger in the car. Good thing I had a key.
* I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
* I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.
* I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
* I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
* I repeatedly and sincerely asked that I be born again. My mother refused.
* I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
* I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.
* I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
* I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!
* I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
* I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.
* I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. -- Nash
* I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -- Cerebus
* I dreamed I was a wheel rim. I woke up still tired.
* I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals...I just hate PLANTS!
* I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
* I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
* I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
* I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE!
* I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
* I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Albran
* I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
* I will always love the false image I had of you.
* I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.
* I seem to be a verb. -- Buckminster Fuller
* I hate laundry month.
* I doubt, therefore I might be.
* I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... OOooooo! Donuts!
* I used to be sane. I got better.
* I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* I was glad to be able to answer promptly. I said I didn't know. --Mark Twain
* I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad. -- Allen
* I'm an atheist! I swear to God I am!
* I'll have: two drugged brains over easy with bacon and toast.
* I'll race you to China. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO!
* I'll procrastinate...tomorrow.
* I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
* I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
* If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
* If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
* If You Pass This Point You Will Most Certainly Die. -- sign on birth canal
* If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
* If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
* If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
* If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
* If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz.
* If you lay every snoring student end-to-end, they'd be more comfortable.
* If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
* If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
* If either religion or science were infallible, it would incorporate the other.
* If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
* If I had finished this sentence. -- Hofstadter
* If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
* If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
* If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
* If all the world's a stage, who sprung the trap door on me?
* If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
* If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
* If in doubt, mumble.
* If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If laws were outlawed, only outlaws would be lawyers.
* If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
* If you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
* If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
* If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
* If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
* If morons could fly, the sky would be pitch black.
* If there is light at the end of the tunnel... ORDER MORE TUNNEL.
* If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
* If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
* If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
* If nothing beats getting drunk, given a choice, I'd take the nothing.
* Illegitimus non Carborundem -- "Don't let the bastards grind you down".
* Illiterate? Write for free help.
* In English, every word can be verbed.
* In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
* In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
* In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
* Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
* Is this true or only clever? -- Augustine Birrell
* Is there life before death?
* Is a mirage real? Well, it's a real mirage. -- Edward Abbey
* It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -- Albert Einstein
* It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
* It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
* It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
* It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
* It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
* It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
* It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
* It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
* It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
* It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
* It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew Mathis
* It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose.
* It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
* It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
* Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew Arnold
* Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it.
* Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
* Justice: A decision in your favor.
* Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
* Keep Canada beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
* Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
* Kilroy occupied these spatial coordinates.
* Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
* Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
* Krogt: The metallic silver coating found on scratch-and-win tickets.
* Lactomangulation: Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
* Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
* Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
* Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
* Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
* Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
* Let's hope God grades on a curve.
* Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
* Life is like an analogy.
* Life is too confusing for novices. We should let the experts take care of it.
* Living your life is so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
* Living on Earth includes one annual free trip around the Sun.
* Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. --J. Handey
* Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.
* Look where you dare not look, and you'll find ME staring back at you.
* Lorena to Tonya: here, smack Nancy with *this*...
* Love means nothing to a tennis player.
* Love thy neighbor: Tune thy piano.
* Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.
* Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
* Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
* Love: the word that paints a thousand pictures.
* Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
* Madness takes its toll. Please deposit exact change.
* Maggit: A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
* Magnocartic: An automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping carts.
* Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
* Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
* Make money fast: don't give it any food.
* Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
* Make things as simple as possible, but not simpler. --Einstein
* Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
* Mankind... infests the whole habitable Earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce
* Many are cold, but few are frozen.
* Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
* May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
* Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
* Michelangelo would have made better time with a roller.
* Millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
* Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.
* Mold has spores. People have pores. It is one way to tell us apart.
* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
* Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.
* Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
* Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
* Mowmuffins: Dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawnmowers.
* Mr. Worf! Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge?
* Mr. Bullfrog sez: Time is fun when you're having flies.
* MRducks. MRnot! MRso! Cedar wings? ...Whale oil beef hooked, MRducks!
* Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
* Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
* My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
* My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
* My opinions are not those of my ex-employer.
* My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
* My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries and counting.
* My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
* My computer NEVER cras
* My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
* My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
* My other tagline is a footnote.
* Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
* Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* Never enough time, unless you're serving it.
* Never call a man a fool. Instead, borrow from him.
* Never eat prunes when you're famished.
* Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
* Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf.
* Never get into a farting contest with a skunk.
* Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
* Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
* Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
* Nine out of ten people think they are above average. The rest are in therapy.
* No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
* No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.
* Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
* Nobody home but the lights, and they're out too.
* Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
* Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded. (I've actually HEARD this!)
* Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets.
* Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
* Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
* Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
* Nudist Camp sign: "Sorry, Clothed for Winter"
* Nugloo: Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead.
* On the other hand... you have different fingers.
* One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
* One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
* Our parents were never our age.
* Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash
* Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
* Paint the backs of *all* the boats. Leave no stern untoned.
* Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -- Corry
* Parallel lines DO meet, but only incognito.
* Paranoia? Hell, no. Heightened awareness is more like it.
* Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted.
* People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
* People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
* People usually get what's coming to them... unless it was mailed.
* People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties.
* Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
* Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
* Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
* Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
* Question Authority... and the Authorities will question you!
* Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds deep)
* Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
* Reality is for those too stupid to program holodecks.
* Rumper sticker on a horse: "Get off my tail, because shit happens."
* Saddam Hussein is the father of the mother of all cliches.
* Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back.-- sign on septic tank truck
* Save the Rainforest! Eat a vegetarian!
* Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
* Sign seen on door: C I T Y P L A N N ING
* Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt.
* Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher Knebel
* Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.
* Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
* Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
* Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
* Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
* Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund Freud
* Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
* Spam Lite: with meat products like these, who needs taglines?
* Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
* Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
* That was Zen; this is Tao.
* The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
* The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
* The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
* The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
* The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
* The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
* The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
* The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
* The lion and the calf shall lie down together. The calf won't sleep.
* The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography.
* The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg borg borg!
* The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
* The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
* The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
* The cynic says: the pessimist is a realist who isn't afraid to admit it.
* The chief cause of problems is solutions.
* The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
* The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
* The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
* The death rate on Earth is: .... (computing) .... One per person.
* The glass is half full--and what's in it has gone rancid.
* The early worm deserves the bird.
* The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
* The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
* The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.
* The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth. -- Diana Rigg
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
* There is no idea so stupid that some professor doesn't believe in it.
* There is a vas deferens between men and women.
* There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
* There is a 70% probability of tomorrow. (actual weatherman quote. 1988)
* There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
* There is no bottom to worse. -- Cohen
* There's not enough sax and violins on television.
* These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions.
* They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
* They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...-Sedgwick's last words
* Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. --Gerald Ford.
* This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill
* This is news. This is your brain on news. Any questions?
* This is my last sig. I gave up smoking.
* This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
* This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
* This is Borg. is futile is inevitable.
* This sentence no verb.
* This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.
* This letter fills a much-needed gap.
* This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
* This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
* Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
* Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas.
* Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
* To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
* To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
* To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
* To err is human. To blame someone for your errors is even more human.
* To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
* To do it: Hire someone, or forbid your kids.
* To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
* Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
* Today's greatest labour-saving device is...tomorrow!
* Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -- Rilla May
* TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
* Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
* Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
* U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.
* Unable to open LEVI.ZIP. Continue running TAKELEAK.EXE? (Y/N)
* Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.
* Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, the opposite applies.
* Under-Achievers Anonymous has an 11-step program.
* Verbing weirds language. --Calvin
* Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
* Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
* Volvo, Video, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)
* Vote anarchist.
* We aren't sure how clouds form. But they know, that is what counts.
* We totally deny the allegations. We are trying to identify the allegators.
* We've taken his life and secretly replaced it with Foldgers Crystals.
* We have them just where they want us. -- James Kirk
* We will cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
* We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
* We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
* What is orange and goes "click, click"? A ball point carrot.
* What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
* What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Key
* What if there were no hypothetical situations? --Andrew Kohlsmith
* When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
* When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
* When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
* When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
* When is summer in Canada? Last year it was a Tuesday in July.
* When in doubt, do as doubters do.
* When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
* When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
* When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
* When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose.
* Where there is a will, there is an Inheritance Tax.
* While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
* Why doesn't life come with subtitles?
* Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses? -- Liddy
* Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily Tomlin
* Why did the tachyon cross the road? Because it was on the other side.
* Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
* Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it's said?
* Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
* Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!
* Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
* Wise is the squirrel. For he says: "You are a nut!"
* Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
* Work is the curse of the drinking class.
* Working in a McDonald's kitchen: one ing thing after another...
* Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
* Yawning is an orgasm for your face. -- Gunvar Ingeborg
* Yes, I get funny looks. I like funny looks.
* Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").
* You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
* You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
* You are warm and giving toward others. What are you after?
* You can't hear it, but the universe is laughing at you behind your back.
* You are here. But you are not all there.
* You are not paranoid if they're really after you...
* You are wrong when right and right when left, if you're driving in the US.
* You simply *must* stop taking other people's advice.
* You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
* Your lucky number is 364958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
* Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make sense.
* Your fault -- core dumped.
* Your password is pitifully obvious.
* ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
6:54 AM 3
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