Awesome Funny Taglines and quotes Free Orkut Stuff

* "Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
* "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?"
* 2 rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
* Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
* All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
* Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y)
* Borg-Cola: Not the choice of the next generation.
* Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.
* Borger King. Have it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
* Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
* California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
* Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
* Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
* "Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
* "Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "Will a 2X4 do, Captain?"
* "Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda.
* *tap* *tap* *tap* Is this thing on?
* A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.

* A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
* A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
* A closed mouth gathers no foot.
* A hangover: the wrath of grapes.
* A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
* A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
* A good pun is its own reword.
* A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
* A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.
* A self-adressed envelope would be addressed "Envelope".
* A)bort R)etry I)nfluence with large hammer?
* Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
* Actual TorStar headline, 3/6/94: "Man charged with murder after death"
* Actual newspaper headline: "TEENAGE PROSTITUTES SPREADING NATIONWIDE"
* Actual newspaper headline, 1/17/77: "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
* Actual newspaper headline, 8/14/80: "Food Basic to Student Diet"
* After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
* After all is said and done, usually more is said.
* Air is water with holes in it.
* Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
* Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
* All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
* All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
* Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
* Animals/people: you can pet 99% of animals and still get a G rating.
* Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
* Any student who changes the course of history is probably writing an exam.
* Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
* Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
* Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
* As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
* Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
* Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
* Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
* Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
* Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall
* Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. -- O'Neill
* Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
* Being psychotic is all it's cracked up to be.
* Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
* Bitchenaid: It's like, totally, the best dishwasher ever, dude!
* Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
* Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
* Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
* Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
* Bull behind a tapestry: you can't see the taurus for the frieze.
* Bulldozer: a student sleeping through a lecture.
* Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
* Buy one, get one free...does it have to be in that order?
* Cabinicreep: When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
* Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
* Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction.
* Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
* Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
* Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
* Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
* Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
* Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, in the dictionary.
* Click...click...click...damn, out of new taglines.
* Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
* Close your eyes and press escape three times.
* Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
* College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
* Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
* Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
* Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
* Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
* Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
* Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
* Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
* Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
* Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
* Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken
* Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
* dfghkjupih uiph12...ooops...sorry...fell asleep on the keyboard.
* Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
* Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
* Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
* Do steam rollers really roll steam?
* Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
* Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
* Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it.
* Don't laugh. It could happen.
* Don't judge a book by its mini-series.
* Don't use no double negatives, not never.
* Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
* Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
* Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
* Don't explain. Your friends know already and your enemies don't care.
* Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
* Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
* Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
* Down with categorical imperatives.
* Drunk Borg: Rsilience in floor tile. Wan'be similated?
* Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
* Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it.
* Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
* Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
* Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- last words of Groucho Marx
* Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- last words of Oscar Wilde
* Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
* Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
* Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
* Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
* Ever find yourself posting messages just to show off your taglines?
* Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
* Every pool you can swim in has been pissed in at least once.
* Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
* Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. -- Atwood
* Everything in moderation, including moderation.
* Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
* Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
* Expert: Avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
* Fact: 3 out of 5 people aren't the other 2.
* Familiarity breeds children.
* Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
* Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
* Fenderberg: Deposit on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
* Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
* Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
* For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
* For reply, send self-abused stomped antelope to: brea9430@mach1.wlu.ca
* Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
* Funny, these cookies don't taste anything like Girl Scouts.
* Gather round like cattle and ye shall be herd.
* Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
* Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance
* Genetics: proof that God gambles. Clinton: proof He lost.
* Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
* Gentlemen: it appears to be unanimous that we can not agree.
* Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
* Get your mind outta the gutter! And pick mine up while you're down there.
* Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
* Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine
* Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
* Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
* God gives burdens; also shoulders.
* God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
* God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
* GO HABS GO! And take the rest of the province with you.
* Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
* Good sopranos and tenors have resonance -- where others have brains.
* Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
* Great minds run in great circles.
* Gretzky hasn't scored near as often as that Japanese player, Hee Shu Tze.
* Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
* Happiness can't buy you money.
* Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
* hAS aNYONE sEEN mY cAPSLOCK kEY?
* Have you flogged your crew today?
* Have you seen Quasimodo? I've a hunch he's back.
* Have an adequate day.
* Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
* Having children will turn you into your parents.
* He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
* He who dies with the most taglines, wins!
* He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
* He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
* He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk.
* He is no lawyer who cannot take seventeen sides.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
* Heating with wood, you get warm twice: Once chopping it, and once stacking it.
* Heisenberg might have been here.
* HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS
* Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?
* Hindsight is usually better...depending on the hind you've sighted.
* History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
* Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
* Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray Bandy
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
* Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
* How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
* How come wrong numbers are never busy?
* How many priests are needed in Boston Mass?
* How many weeks are there in a light year?
* How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
* How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
* I always cry during sex. I think it's the Mace.
* I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
* I married Miss Right. I didn't know her first name was Always.
* I know I have a purpose because I always seem to need deodorant.
* I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.
* I am Sajak of Borg. R__I_T_NC_ I_ FU_IL_
* I am NOT a pornographer. I don't even own a pornograph.
* I disclaim my disclaimer!
* I believe in free will. My religion says I have no choice.
* I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. (the Wizard of Oz)
* I distinctly remember forgetting that.
* I will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
* I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
* I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat!
* I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. -- Groucho Marx
* I am Clinton of Borg. Hillary says resistance is futile!
* I got a life! I ordered it through my computer.
* I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
* I dreamed I met God. He sneezed, and I didn't know what to say to Him.
* I have not seen as far as others because giants were standing on my shoulders.
* I have read and understood the above. X________________________
* I know everything. I just can't remember it all at once.
* I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Marx
* I locked my coathanger in the car. Good thing I had a key.
* I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
* I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.
* I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
* I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
* I repeatedly and sincerely asked that I be born again. My mother refused.
* I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
* I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.
* I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
* I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!
* I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
* I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.
* I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. -- Nash
* I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -- Cerebus
* I dreamed I was a wheel rim. I woke up still tired.
* I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals...I just hate PLANTS!
* I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
* I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
* I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
* I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE!
* I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
* I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Albran
* I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
* I will always love the false image I had of you.
* I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.
* I seem to be a verb. -- Buckminster Fuller
* I hate laundry month.
* I doubt, therefore I might be.
* I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... OOooooo! Donuts!
* I used to be sane. I got better.
* I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* I was glad to be able to answer promptly. I said I didn't know. --Mark Twain
* I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad. -- Allen
* I'm an atheist! I swear to God I am!
* I'll have: two drugged brains over easy with bacon and toast.
* I'll race you to China. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO!
* I'll procrastinate...tomorrow.
* I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
* I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
* If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
* If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
* If You Pass This Point You Will Most Certainly Die. -- sign on birth canal
* If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
* If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
* If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
* If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
* If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz.
* If you lay every snoring student end-to-end, they'd be more comfortable.
* If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
* If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
* If either religion or science were infallible, it would incorporate the other.
* If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
* If I had finished this sentence. -- Hofstadter
* If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
* If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
* If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
* If all the world's a stage, who sprung the trap door on me?
* If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
* If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
* If in doubt, mumble.
* If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If laws were outlawed, only outlaws would be lawyers.
* If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
* If you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
* If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
* If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
* If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
* If morons could fly, the sky would be pitch black.
* If there is light at the end of the tunnel... ORDER MORE TUNNEL.
* If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
* If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
* If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
* If nothing beats getting drunk, given a choice, I'd take the nothing.
* Illegitimus non Carborundem -- "Don't let the bastards grind you down".
* Illiterate? Write for free help.
* In English, every word can be verbed.
* In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
* In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
* In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
* Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
* Is this true or only clever? -- Augustine Birrell
* Is there life before death?
* Is a mirage real? Well, it's a real mirage. -- Edward Abbey
* It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -- Albert Einstein
* It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
* It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
* It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
* It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
* It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
* It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
* It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
* It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
* It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
* It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
* It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew Mathis
* It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose.
* It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
* It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
* Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew Arnold
* Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it.
* Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
* Justice: A decision in your favor.
* Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
* Keep Canada beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
* Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
* Kilroy occupied these spatial coordinates.
* Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
* Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
* Krogt: The metallic silver coating found on scratch-and-win tickets.
* Lactomangulation: Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
* Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
* Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
* Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
* Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
* Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
* Let's hope God grades on a curve.
* Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
* Life is like an analogy.
* Life is too confusing for novices. We should let the experts take care of it.
* Living your life is so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
* Living on Earth includes one annual free trip around the Sun.
* Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. --J. Handey
* Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.
* Look where you dare not look, and you'll find ME staring back at you.
* Lorena to Tonya: here, smack Nancy with *this*...
* Love means nothing to a tennis player.
* Love thy neighbor: Tune thy piano.
* Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.
* Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
* Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
* Love: the word that paints a thousand pictures.
* Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
* Madness takes its toll. Please deposit exact change.
* Maggit: A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
* Magnocartic: An automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping carts.
* Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
* Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
* Make money fast: don't give it any food.
* Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
* Make things as simple as possible, but not simpler. --Einstein
* Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
* Mankind... infests the whole habitable Earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce
* Many are cold, but few are frozen.
* Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
* May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
* Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
* Michelangelo would have made better time with a roller.
* Millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
* Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.
* Mold has spores. People have pores. It is one way to tell us apart.
* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
* Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.
* Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
* Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
* Mowmuffins: Dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawnmowers.
* Mr. Worf! Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge?
* Mr. Bullfrog sez: Time is fun when you're having flies.
* MRducks. MRnot! MRso! Cedar wings? ...Whale oil beef hooked, MRducks!
* Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
* Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
* My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
* My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
* My opinions are not those of my ex-employer.
* My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
* My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries and counting.
* My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
* My computer NEVER cras
* My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
* My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
* My other tagline is a footnote.
* Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
* Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* Never enough time, unless you're serving it.
* Never call a man a fool. Instead, borrow from him.
* Never eat prunes when you're famished.
* Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
* Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf.
* Never get into a farting contest with a skunk.
* Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
* Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
* Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
* Nine out of ten people think they are above average. The rest are in therapy.
* No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
* No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.
* Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
* Nobody home but the lights, and they're out too.
* Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
* Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded. (I've actually HEARD this!)
* Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets.
* Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
* Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
* Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
* Nudist Camp sign: "Sorry, Clothed for Winter"
* Nugloo: Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead.
* On the other hand... you have different fingers.
* One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
* One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
* Our parents were never our age.
* Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash
* Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
* Paint the backs of *all* the boats. Leave no stern untoned.
* Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -- Corry
* Parallel lines DO meet, but only incognito.
* Paranoia? Hell, no. Heightened awareness is more like it.
* Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted.
* People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
* People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
* People usually get what's coming to them... unless it was mailed.
* People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties.
* Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
* Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
* Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
* Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
* Question Authority... and the Authorities will question you!
* Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds deep)
* Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
* Reality is for those too stupid to program holodecks.
* Rumper sticker on a horse: "Get off my tail, because shit happens."
* Saddam Hussein is the father of the mother of all cliches.
* Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back.-- sign on septic tank truck
* Save the Rainforest! Eat a vegetarian!
* Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
* Sign seen on door: C I T Y P L A N N ING
* Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt.
* Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher Knebel
* Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.
* Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
* Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
* Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
* Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
* Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund Freud
* Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
* Spam Lite: with meat products like these, who needs taglines?
* Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
* Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
* That was Zen; this is Tao.
* The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
* The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
* The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
* The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
* The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
* The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
* The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
* The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
* The lion and the calf shall lie down together. The calf won't sleep.
* The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography.
* The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg borg borg!
* The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
* The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
* The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
* The cynic says: the pessimist is a realist who isn't afraid to admit it.
* The chief cause of problems is solutions.
* The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
* The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
* The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
* The death rate on Earth is: .... (computing) .... One per person.
* The glass is half full--and what's in it has gone rancid.
* The early worm deserves the bird.
* The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
* The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
* The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.
* The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth. -- Diana Rigg
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
* There is no idea so stupid that some professor doesn't believe in it.
* There is a vas deferens between men and women.
* There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
* There is a 70% probability of tomorrow. (actual weatherman quote. 1988)
* There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
* There is no bottom to worse. -- Cohen
* There's not enough sax and violins on television.
* These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions.
* They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
* They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...-Sedgwick's last words
* Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. --Gerald Ford.
* This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill
* This is news. This is your brain on news. Any questions?
* This is my last sig. I gave up smoking.
* This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
* This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
* This is Borg. is futile is inevitable.
* This sentence no verb.
* This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.
* This letter fills a much-needed gap.
* This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
* This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
* Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
* Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas.
* Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
* To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
* To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
* To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
* To err is human. To blame someone for your errors is even more human.
* To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
* To do it: Hire someone, or forbid your kids.
* To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
* Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
* Today's greatest labour-saving device is...tomorrow!
* Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -- Rilla May
* TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
* Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
* Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
* U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.
* Unable to open LEVI.ZIP. Continue running TAKELEAK.EXE? (Y/N)
* Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.
* Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, the opposite applies.
* Under-Achievers Anonymous has an 11-step program.
* Verbing weirds language. --Calvin
* Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
* Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
* Volvo, Video, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)
* Vote anarchist.
* We aren't sure how clouds form. But they know, that is what counts.
* We totally deny the allegations. We are trying to identify the allegators.
* We've taken his life and secretly replaced it with Foldgers Crystals.
* We have them just where they want us. -- James Kirk
* We will cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
* We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
* We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
* What is orange and goes "click, click"? A ball point carrot.
* What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
* What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Key
* What if there were no hypothetical situations? --Andrew Kohlsmith
* When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
* When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
* When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
* When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
* When is summer in Canada? Last year it was a Tuesday in July.
* When in doubt, do as doubters do.
* When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
* When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
* When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
* When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose.
* Where there is a will, there is an Inheritance Tax.
* While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
* Why doesn't life come with subtitles?
* Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses? -- Liddy
* Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily Tomlin
* Why did the tachyon cross the road? Because it was on the other side.
* Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
* Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it's said?
* Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
* Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!
* Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
* Wise is the squirrel. For he says: "You are a nut!"
* Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
* Work is the curse of the drinking class.
* Working in a McDonald's kitchen: one ing thing after another...
* Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
* Yawning is an orgasm for your face. -- Gunvar Ingeborg
* Yes, I get funny looks. I like funny looks.
* Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").
* You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
* You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
* You are warm and giving toward others. What are you after?
* You can't hear it, but the universe is laughing at you behind your back.
* You are here. But you are not all there.
* You are not paranoid if they're really after you...
* You are wrong when right and right when left, if you're driving in the US.
* You simply *must* stop taking other people's advice.
* You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
* Your lucky number is 364958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
* Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make sense.
* Your fault -- core dumped.
* Your password is pitifully obvious.
* ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.